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[30 Sep 2005|01:29pm] |
this journal is back in business.
thankfully, so is my weightloss.
started major restriction yesterday, and don't intend to stop any time soon.
daily food log and comments will go in here, but I probably won't update with anything substantial.
Oh how I've missed these communities.
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[10 Feb 2004|04:35pm] |
i hate this, all of it.
i know they say they love me for who i am.
and i know they all do.
and i know i'm so lucky because i have
so so so many friends who completely adore me.
but sometimes it's not enough.
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[05 Feb 2004|05:27pm] |
i'm fasting, ehh.
i have no money left at all
and most of the veggies in my
fridge have gone bad. i basically
only have soup, so i'm just going to
put off eating and when i need to
i'll have a quarter of a packet of onion
soup... it fills me up and it's warm
enough to make me not feel
lightheaded.
i never thought i'd get deep enough
into this to start fasting, but i took
'before' pictures today of my body
and it's just so repulsive that i need
to do something about it immediately.
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[03 Feb 2004|01:20pm] |
pants that were tight on the weekend and
are loose today are my drug of choice.
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[30 Jan 2004|06:06pm] |
sorry i keep disappearing.
if it's any consolation, i'm losing weight.
haha.
i just love stepping on the scale and being
surprised that it's down. i love it.
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[14 Jan 2004|09:18am] |
i adore the fact that i haven't eaten in two days,
the scale shows that i've lost ten pounds.
see, being fat does have it's perks. you lose
weight twice as fast as other people at the beginning.
and i realize that it's mostly water weight, but
as long as that number on the scale is lower,
i don't care about anything else.
last night i had a lot of coke though, the drink coke,
and i really didn't realize how many calories were in it.
jesus, i'm drinking diet from now on.
i've found new motivation and it seems to be working.
i met a boy this past weekend on my trip to ottawa,
and he's very high maintenance and highly looks oriented.
given, we spent a lot of the weekend together, but not
in 'that' way because he was honest and i appreciated that,
and he just wasn't interested in me because of the way i
looked.
i should have been offended, but i wasn't. i understand that
some people just don't give overweight people a chance,
and that's fine with me.
however, it inspired me.
we're both going back next year, exactly a year from now,
with our schools, and i want to shock his socks off.
i'm not doing it with the hopes of hooking up with him,
i just want to do it with the hopes of making him go "wow"
and hearing him tell me that i'm beautiful instead of him
spewing it to all the *ahem* sluts that were with me on the trip.
i figure, if i can't motivate myself, i might as well let someone
else do it.
love you all.
:)
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[05 Jan 2004|01:39pm] |
sorry i haven't updated lately.
i started a new diet of sorts now that
i'm back at school.
although it's looking more and more
like a fast at the moment.
meh, whatever works.
this survey is a really good diet/ed one.
( clickclick )
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[09 Dec 2003|08:25pm] |
yay, i finally own wasted.
i hope it's as good as everyone says it is,
but i'm sure it will be, because this many people can't be wrong.
i.. ehm... borrowed... it from my library.
i think i will also restart a food journal/thinspiration book.
i left mine at my apartment at school, and seeing as i will
not be back there for a month, i will need something.
also, the pills work. very well. yum yum.
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[07 Dec 2003|09:48pm] |
also, i wish everyone would just move over to LJ or something because
checking blurty, GJ, and LJ is a pain in my ass.
haha, i'm so whiny.
btw,
to everyone who added me to their lists
i added you all back
=D
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[07 Dec 2003|09:46pm] |
hey girls, i'm back, sorry for my prolonged absence.
anyway, trying a few things at the moment.
started the atkins diet with my mom today, went
well so far, considering that i've only eaten lunch.
also, i've discovered a new appetite supressant
that i'm sure will get some people screaming "don't do it!"
but whatever, they're not fat, i am.
my brother has ritalin left over from 4 years ago when
he was diagnosed with ADD. he sort of grew out
of it so my parents stopped giving him the meds,
but now we ever so conveniently have a full
prescription bottle of these pretty white pills.
anyway, yeah. they make you hyper and they
completely destroy your appetite. in fact, it's a common
problem with children who are on ritalin to lose too much
weight, so that they have to stop taking it, and hey,
anything that makes you lose weight that quickly
sounds good to me.
so yeah, those are my updates. exams were rough,
all i did was eat fast food, but not too much binging so
i only gained a couple pounds.
i'm hoping for 20 pounds by christmas with atkins,
and hopefully a few more thanks to these pills.
we'll see how it goes.
good luck to everyone else, love you all forever and a day.
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[04 Nov 2003|02:58pm] |
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this is stressful.
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[31 Oct 2003|08:33am] |
this girl in my sociology class presented on monday,
and she had these delicious hipbones that stuck out of the top of her pants.
unfortunately, she's atrociously ugly besides her body.
i'm not being mean, but really.
i think we should trade. i like my face, i'll take your hips
and you can take my gross misshapen body.
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[28 Oct 2003|02:58pm] |
i'm doing really well.
yesterday all i ate was a sub for dinner,
and although that was probably like 983490273947 calories,
it's a lot less than i eat when i'm not restricting.
today i have no money until my dad puts money in my account,
so i can't eat anyway.
this week has been good so far.
i'm feeling confident that i'm going to lose weight.
rah.
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[27 Oct 2003|09:51am] |
i used to know a girl who was a recovered anorexic,
and she told me that she lost 100 pounds in the first year she started starving herself,
and at the time, i went "oh my god, 100 pounds in a year? that's fast, that must be terrible for your body."
now i think:
a YEAR?
why the fuck did it take so long?
i want to lose 100 pounds in a lot less than that.
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[24 Oct 2003|09:26am] |
i tried looking at communities today
that are for 'voluptuous beauties'
thinking that maybe i would hate myself less
if i saw how much people loved these women's bodies.
but all i got was repulsed.
this self hatred has nothing to do with what others think of me.
i know there are people out there who like girls who are
bigger, even bigger than me.
this is because i hate the way i look.
i'm not doing this so people will like me.
people already like me, let's not pretend.
i'm popular.
but that doesn't make it okay.
i need to be perfect to me before i can
allow myself to be perfect to anyone else.
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[24 Oct 2003|09:26am] |
so i dyed my hair BRIGHT red yesterday,
and it looks super hot.
and then this morning i woke up
and it had SNOWED!
yessssssssssss.
i love snow.
so, i think this is a perfect day to start a fast.
fresh start? i. think. so.
if i can lose 10 pounds by monday then i'll
be content and comfortable showing off my hair
to school people.
i'm certainly not attractive yet,
but it'll be a step closer :)
rah!
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[21 Oct 2003|01:06am] |
is it unreasonable to want to lose 100 pounds by halloween?
of course it is.
but i still want to.
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[21 Oct 2003|01:06am] |
does anyone ever feel like they have to hide eating from people?
i know that sounds backwards, but recently i've felt like every time i go to make soup
or go to buy something from subway, i feel like i can't eat it in front of people.
i think in my head i think they're thinking "ew, she's so fat, why is she eating at all?"
it's becoming a problem but at the same time it's great because i hardly ate at all this week.
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[18 Oct 2003|02:46pm] |
this is a perfect me.
5'7 (which i already am)
110 pounds
flawless skin, especially in my nether regions
(i.e. no razor burn, no stretch marks, no nothing)
long deep brown straight hair
everything on that list is achievable.
the hair is easy, that requires no work at all,
it works by itself! woo!
i think everyone gets razor burn.
and the weight.
ahhh, the weight.
it'll go.
slowly, perhaps, but it'll go.
i can do this.
i don't care if it hurts,
i want to have control.
i want a perfect body,
i want a perfect soul.
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[10 Oct 2003|10:44pm] |
| [ |
music |
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goo goo dolls - Iris (Acoustic) |
] |
so i smoked two cigarettes today. that's how serious has gotten.
i HATE SMOKING. it's so DUMB. i've never ever ever smoked
regularly. like, once or twice in grade 9 because it was cool then.
i had cigarettes from cuba that i bought for their novelty value
and i was hungry and i was just like "let's try this!" and urgh.
well, i didn't eat.
but urgh.
i never thought i would go this far.
although, i sort of like it,... sort of.
anything to lose weight.
anything.
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